Dealing with Perfectionism During Perimenopause
Perimenopause intensifies perfectionism for many women. Learn why this transition amplifies perfectionist tendencies and how to begin letting them go.
How Perimenopause and Perfectionism Collide
Perfectionism thrives on control, and perimenopause is a time when control becomes harder to maintain. When you cannot predict when a hot flash will arrive, when sleep is fragmented, when concentration falters mid-sentence, the perfectionist response is often to redouble effort. To try harder, plan more carefully, compensate for what feels like slipping. This response is understandable, but it tends to make things worse. Pushing harder when the body and brain are already strained is not productive. It is depleting. And for women who have relied on perfectionism as a way of feeling safe, capable, or valued, the gap between their standards and their current capacity can feel genuinely distressing. Understanding why this gap opens up is the first step toward doing something more useful with it.
Where Perfectionism Comes From
Perfectionism is rarely about standards for their own sake. At its root, it is usually about fear: fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of being seen as inadequate. Many perfectionists learned early that their value was conditional on performance. They discovered that doing things very well kept certain kinds of pain at bay. Over time, those strategies become automatic. You do not choose to be a perfectionist in a given moment. The critical voice simply activates, evaluates, and finds the work or the self wanting. Perimenopause can amplify this voice because the hormonal changes it brings affect the brain's sensitivity to threat and emotional regulation. Things that might have rolled off more easily in your 30s can land harder in your 40s. The inner critic gets louder precisely when capacity is reduced.
The Cost of Perfectionism in Midlife
The costs of perfectionism are well documented and significant. Perfectionists tend to procrastinate more, not less, because starting something means risking imperfection. They often find it difficult to delegate because other people's standards are never quite adequate. They struggle to enjoy things in progress, because nothing is finished and therefore nothing is good enough. In perimenopause, these patterns show up in specific ways. The woman who cannot rest without guilt because there is always more to do. The woman who is paralysed about changing careers because she cannot guarantee success in advance. The woman who sets goals for managing symptoms and then berates herself when the symptoms persist. Recognising the pattern does not immediately dissolve it, but it does create the possibility of choosing differently.
Good Enough as a Radical Act
One of the most powerful shifts available to perfectionists in perimenopause is learning to value good enough. This does not mean abandoning standards or producing poor work. It means releasing the idea that only perfection has worth. Good enough meals, good enough exercise sessions, good enough days. The woman who goes for a 20-minute walk three times a week is doing something genuinely valuable, even if she used to run half-marathons. The woman who sends an email that is clear and functional, rather than spending an hour polishing it to smoothness, is using her energy wisely. Good enough is not giving up. It is choosing sustainability over the performance of perfectionism.
Working with the Inner Critic
The perfectionist inner critic tends to sound authoritative and even helpful. It presents itself as the voice of reason, keeping you on track and preventing embarrassment. It helps to notice this voice with a certain amount of distance rather than accepting its verdicts at face value. One useful practice is to give the inner critic a name, something slightly absurd, and notice when it shows up. You do not need to argue with it or silence it. Simply observing it with a little wry recognition loosens its grip. Another practice is to ask what a realistic, kind person who cared about you would say instead. This is not about suppressing the critic but about introducing another perspective into the conversation.
Perfectionism and Physical Symptoms
Perfectionist responses to perimenopause symptoms are very common. The woman who researches every supplement meticulously before trying any of them. The woman who tracks her symptoms obsessively and feels like a failure when they do not improve on a clear trajectory. The woman who designs the perfect sleep protocol and then spirals when it does not work consistently. Tracking symptoms with a tool like PeriPlan can be genuinely helpful for identifying patterns over time, but it works best when approached with curiosity rather than the expectation of perfect data or perfect improvement. The body does not operate on a perfectionist schedule. Learning to gather information without demanding flawless results from it is a useful skill.
Toward a More Sustainable Self
Letting go of perfectionism during perimenopause is not a single decision but a gradual practice. It involves noticing the critical voice, questioning its claims, and choosing differently over and over again. It also involves grieving, to some extent, the identity that perfectionism built. Many women have organised their sense of self around high achievement and impeccable standards. Loosening those standards can feel like losing something, even when what is being lost was never actually serving them very well. What tends to arrive in its place is something more honest and more restful: a sense of being genuinely acceptable as you are, in the middle of this messy, demanding, interesting life stage. That is not a small thing.
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