My Sexual Confidence Awakened During Perimenopause

I was lying in bed with my partner and I was feeling something I had not felt in years. Desire. Real, powerful, authentic desire. I was not performing. I was not trying to respond. I was genuinely wanting my partner. It shocked me. During perimenopause, I had expected my libido to disappear. Everyone said that was what happened. Instead, something shifted. My sexuality became less about performance and more about pleasure. Less about what I thought I should feel and more about what I actually felt. Less about my partner's experience and more about my own. I became more sexually confident, not less.

How I got here

For most of my adult life, my sexuality had been about performance. I had sex because it was expected. I performed pleasure because my partner wanted it. I rarely actually felt pleasure. I rarely initiated. I rarely asked for what I wanted. That started to change during my early forties. Then during perimenopause, something shifted. I stopped caring about performing. My hormones were shifting. My body was changing. I felt less pressure to be attractive in the traditional way. I felt less pressure to always be available. I started saying no to sex I did not want. And when I said yes, it was because I actually wanted it. Something about perimenopause freed me from the performance of sexuality.

What I actually did

I started communicating with my partner about what I actually wanted instead of what I thought I should want. I told him I did not want to have sex on a schedule. I wanted to have sex when I actually felt desire. He was surprised but he was willing to listen. I started exploring my own sexuality. I read books about female sexuality. I learned that there is a wide range of normal when it comes to libido during perimenopause. Some women lose desire and some women gain it. I was in the second group. I started masturbating more. I started noticing what actually turned me on instead of what I thought should turn me on. I became more assertive in bed. I asked for what I wanted. I initiated more. My sex life transformed.

What actually changed

My sex drive did not disappear during perimenopause. It transformed. It became more authentic. It became more me. I was having better sex than I ever had because it was based on my actual desires, not performance. My confidence in my sexuality increased. My pleasure increased. My partner was happier too because my authentic desire was so much more satisfying than my performed desire. The only setback was that sometimes my body did not respond the way it used to. Vaginal dryness was a real issue. But addressing that with lubrication was much easier than trying to create fake pleasure.

What my routine looks like now

I have an active sex life that is based on my actual desire, not obligation. I communicate with my partner about what I want. I prioritize my own pleasure. I use PeriPlan to track my desire and I can see that it fluctuates with my cycle. I understand that my sexuality is different now than it was in my twenties, and I am okay with that. It is actually better.

If you are experiencing changes in your sexuality during perimenopause, know that it is normal. Your libido might increase, decrease, or change in other ways. All of those are normal. Your sexuality might transform in beautiful ways. Embrace those changes instead of fighting them. This is not medical advice about sexual dysfunction. Please talk to your doctor if you have concerns about your sexual health.